Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Must Die!
by HappyBunny07707
Summary: When Queen Arwen picks up her husband's diary, fun turns into an epic battle. A parody of John Tucke Must Die. Rated T for brief language.
1. Prologue: Fun with a Diary

"Oh, just the same as usual," Arwen Undomiel instructed her cleaners. "If you see anything out of the ordinary, bring it to me."

"We will do what we can, Miss," said the cleaner.

"Very well, then. Off you go." And with that, the cleaner left Queen Arwen to read to do her chores. But this story isn't about the cleaner. This is the typical "John Tucker Must Die" story. Except the key characters are replaced by ones from Middle Earth. In this case, the stupid nobody Kate would be… surprisingly, EOWYN!!! dramatic music Nevertheless… Arwen would be the smarty-pants school newspaper nerd, Brego would be the air-head cheerleader, and Legolas would be the angst-ridden girl. Then who would be John Tucker? How about one of his oldest descendents? Meet your doom, girls, Aragorn! Son of Arathorn! dramatic music Anyway, back to the story. After a few hours, Arwen was done with her book, but the cleaner conveniently brought up a new book.

"I found this, Miss," she said, holding up a small orange book. "I didn't dare look at it." Arwen soon knew why. Printed on the book in bold letters was ARAGORN'S DIARY. Thinking about the amount of fun she could have with it, Arwen took it without question. Little did she know, BIG TROUBLE WAS HEADING HER WAY!!!


	2. Chapter 1: Cheating on Girls

A long, piercing scream could be heard all across Minas Tirith. Aragorn and Faramir were off fighting with Rohan, much to their dismay, so Eowyn, the wife of Faramir, the Steward of Gondor, rushed to her aid. "What is it, My Queen?" she asked urgently.

"I have read the worst of news in my husband's diary," Arwen answered, pale-faced and crying.

"It can't be that bad," Eowyn said soothingly, lightly stroking Arwen's hand, like she often did with her uncle.

"Oh, but it is. My husband had been hitting on a whole bunch of girls before he married me."

"With all due respect, Your Highness, that was BEFORE you were married."

"Oh, but it's terrible! You should see the people he was hitting on!"

"Would you mind reading the list aloud?"

"'These are the people I love: Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Elrond. Though she is my foster sister, I would love to have her as a wife. She is as beautiful as the sunset.'"

"But he just said he loved you!" cried Eowyn, clearly interrupting her.

"'I also love Eowyn, daughter of Eomund.'" Eowyn froze. "' she is yet another beautiful lady, but it is very hard to pick between Arwen and Eowyn in terms of beauty. That is, to any other man. Arwen exceeds Eowyn in beauty by a mile.'" Eowyn's face turned hard.

"That fcking little bstrd!!!" Eowyn rarely cussed. It was only times like this that she did. Arwen continued to weep.

"'There is also Brego, my horse, whose gender I still do not know. I fell in love with it as soon as it kissed me, which was after I tumbled off the cliff. This passionate kiss was what awoke me and kept me alive. This is one thing I desperately need to thank Eomer for.'"

"How idiotic!" Eowyn exclaimed, interrupting Arwen again.

"'Finally, there is Legolas. He only thinks I put my hand on his shoulder to embrace him. Truth to be told, I have had a crush on him ever since I met him.'"

"Disgusting!"

"'I love all these ladies, creatures, and men. They are like my family. In a husband-wife sort of way. Oh how I wish I could be like one of the older kings, who had more than one wife!'" Eowyn was speechless. Even though Aragorn had clearly said he loved all of them, it was still disgusting that he was making out with so many girls, er, creatures, at one time. Arwen's sorrow suddenly changed to anger, as always. "We will get him back for this!" she exclaimed, tears wildly flying out of her eyes.

"Yes, Your Highness, we will."

"From this moment forward," Arwen dangerously started. "Call me Arwen. Not 'My Queen' or 'Your Highness'. Just Arwen."

"OK, _Arwen_," Eowyn said uncomfortably. "You do realize that we have to contact the others mentioned in this diary entry as well."

"Eowyn… send word for Brego, Legolas and Gimli."

"Gimli, Your Highness-I mean-Arwen?"

"He will be able to give us information that no other man can give. Except maybe Legolas." There was a brief period of silence as Eowyn tried to digest all this information. "Eowyn?" said Arwen, breaking up the silence. "Aragorn, son of Arathorn, must die!"


	3. Chapter 2: He did WHAT!

"He did WHAT?!?!" exclaimed Legolas, Brego, and Gimli at the same time.

"I can't believe he doesn't know what I am and still calls me an 'it'!" whined Brego.

"Actually, Brego," Eowyn began. "We were all wondering how you can talk. This isn't Narnia, you know. Does your mother live in Narnia or something?"

"My mother's dead," said Brego haughtily. "Horses do not like to reveal their talent to HUMANS." Brego then cast Eowyn a cold glare.

"Or elves, or dwarves, or any other creature for that matter," Arwen finished to restore the peace. "I-ahem-WE called you all here to discuss what we were going to do with my husband, not for a horse and a human to fight!"

"There is only one thing I can think of," Eowyn said. "We are going to bring. Him. DOWN!!! All in favor say 'Aye'."

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"Gimli, you're not even part of this!" yelled Eowyn.

"Oh, but I still agree, Lassie," he stated matter-of-factly. "Oh and, by the way, I have a confession. I've been holding this on my HAIRLESS chest for a long time." Legolas's jaw dropped open along with everyone else's. "I," Gimli ripped off his beard. "I'm… A GIRL!!!"

"Oh," said Arwen

"My," said Eowyn

"GOD!!!" yelled Legolas, throwing his arms around Gimli. "All this time, you have been risking your life in battle! And you were good too! You did beat me in one match, but we tied the rest of the times! Oh my god Gimli!!!" And with this speech, Gimli was now being choked by Legolas, yet all the OTHER ladies were sitting with their mouths hanging open. "That leaves us one question." Legolas kneeled on one knee. Eowyn and Arwen covered their eyes. "Gimli, daughter of Gloin, will you marry me?"

"Legolas," Gimli had tears in her eyes. "I was just kidding about being a girl."

"OH MY GOD!!! EWWWWWWW!!!"

"Just kidding!"

"Gimli! So is it a yes or a no?"

"Hold on a second!" Arwen and Eowyn cried at the same time.

"How is this even possible?" Arwen asked?

"Yeah, tell us Gimli," said Eowyn.

"Eowyn would know best," said Gimli. "Remember how I told you how dwarf women look almost identical to dwarf men? If I put on a beard, I could pass as a guy! Pretty clever, eh?" Both ladies were speechless.

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo…" said Brego breaking up the silence. "What's our first plan?"

"Ah yes," said Arwen.

"Operation 'Annual Switch Genders Day'," said Eowyn.


	4. Chapter 3: Annual Switch Genders Day

Aragorn was clueless about what was happening today. All the ladies were strutting around in men's tunics and men were walking around in ladies' gowns. Well, technically, only Arwen and Eowyn were dressing as men. Faramir was the only man dressing as a girl, since Eowyn put on the puppy eyes, besides Gimli, who was actually female. As soon as he caught sight of Arwen, also dressed in a tunic, he asked her what was going on. "Why, dear," she said. "It is the annual Switch Genders Day! You will have to dress like a woman for today."

"One moment dear," said Aragorn as he scurried to the bathroom. As soon as he got there, he kicked a roll of toilet paper out of the way, screamed in agony, and sat on the ground. When he could bear himself, he returned.

"What happened Aragorn?" asked Arwen. "Were you constipated?" This was so perfect! Arwen could kill two birds with one stone!

"No dear, I—"

"Then you will need these special Elfin Magic Constipation Pills I concocted!!!"

"This is highly unnecessary."

"Oh but you must!" Arwen, shoving the pills down his throat. Aragorn choked on the pills for a few seconds then stopped. The pills tasted absolutely revolting. Arwen raced to Eowyn. "Eowyn, my husband is constipated," she said, winking at her. "Would you please bring some coffee with absolutely NO cream and NO sugar?"

Eowyn had to stifle a few laughs before replying, "Yes, my queen."

"Dear, why don't you wear one of my gowns today?" said Arwen once Eowyn was gone.

"Um…"

"Please? It's a tradition! Annual Switch Genders Day!" Arwen put on the puppy eyes.

"All right. I'll wear one of your gowns."

"Thank you!" Arwen kissed Aragorn on the cheek. "Now go get changed." Aragorn left the room with a feeling of dread. "Yes!" Arwen went to the kitchen to find Eowyn.

"Did you do it?" Eowyn asked. Arwen snickered. "Told him to wear one of mine! How gullible! He actually thinks there's an Annual Switch Genders Day!" Eowyn joined in the laughing.

"Not to mention the fact that he's not really constipated! Oh, by the way, I got the coffee. And Brego's ready for reviewing the Royal Guard."

"Arwen!" came a voice from the door, which was unmistakably Aragorn's. "Your gown itches! And it's too loose!"

"Coming dear! All right Eowyn, make sure Brego knows exactly what to do."

"Arwen!"

"Coming dear!" Arwen left the kitchen to see what was wrong with her husband.

"Arwen," he said. "How can you stand to wear such itchy clothing?"

"It is not itchy. It only feels itchy because you are not wearing a bra." Arwen rummaged through her closet and tossed a bra at Aragorn.

"The bra is itchy."

"You will get used to it." Arwen tightened the dress to fit her husband. "Don't forget dear, you need to review the Royal Guard today. Don't forget to wear your gown. I'm sure your father did the same when he was your age." Finally, Aragorn was ready. They climbed down the stairs to the kitchen. "Don't forget to drink your coffee." Aragorn took a sip and spit it out.

"Arwen, this tastes revolting!"

"But dear, it will help your constipation."

"But I'm not constipated!"

"Oh why didn't you say so? Arwen lifted the coffee mug up high and "accidentally" spilled some on her husband's head.

"Owwwwww!!! Oh!!!"

"So sorry dear!"

"Please be more careful, Arwen!" Suddenly, trumpet sounds filled the white hall.

"Oh! Time to review the Royal Guard!" Aragorn got on Brego and started riding, nodding in each direction at a member of the Royal Guard. But something wasn't right. Laughter could be heard everywhere.

"Mother!" said one audience member. "Look at his dress! He's also riding sidesaddle!" Aragorn turned scarlet. Realizing that it really wasn't Annual Switch Genders Day, he made a proclamation.

"I declare that today be Annual Switch Genders Day!" To his surprise, and to Arwen and Eowyn's dismay, everyone started clapping. This was enough for Brego. He tossed Aragorn into the air, making him hang by his underwear on a hook. Faramir immediately came to help him. Arwen and Eowyn got out their notebooks. "Operation Annual Switch Genders Day: officially a failure."


End file.
